Elementor #10 - Welcome

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I Didn't Want Botox. I Just Wanted To Look Like Myself Again.

The story of why one woman stopped fighting the mirror; and discovered a completely different approach to aging gracefully

"THAT'S ME"

There was a particular mirror in my house that I started avoiding.

It wasn't even a bad mirror.

Actually, I used to like it.

It was in the bathroom, right next to the window, where the natural light came in every morning.

But somewhere along the way, that mirror became my enemy.

Because the morning light showed me everything.

The lines around my eyes.

The crease between my eyebrows.

The little lines around my mouth that seemed to get deeper every year.

And the thing that bothered me most wasn't necessarily that I was getting older.

I knew I was getting older.

I'm not trying to be 25 again.

What bothered me was that I felt like my face was starting to look different from how I felt inside.

I still felt like me.

But the woman staring back in the mirror?

She looked tired.

Older.

Less vibrant.

And, if I'm being completely honest...

sometimes she looked like someone who had given up on herself.

That was the part I couldn't stand.

Because I hadn't given up.

Not on my career.

Not on my family.

Not on my life.

So why had I started feeling like I'd given up on the way I looked?

And that's when I started asking myself a question I never thought I'd ask:

"Do I need Botox?"

HOW I GOT HERE

I want to be clear about something.

I'm not anti-Botox.I'm not one of those people who thinks women shouldn't get injections.

If Botox makes you feel good, and you've found something that works for you, that's wonderful.

I completely understand why women do it.

Because I understand the feeling of looking in the mirror and wishing you could soften something.

I understand wanting to look more rested.

I understand wanting to smooth the lines that seem to have appeared almost overnight.

I understand wanting your outside appearance to feel a little closer to the way you feel on the inside.

My problem was simply this:I didn't want to go down that road.

I didn't want needles.

I didn't want appointments.

I didn't want to have to schedule my life around cosmetic treatments.

And, personally, I didn't love the idea of changing the way my face moved.

I still wanted to laugh.

I wanted to smile.

I wanted my expressions.

I wanted to look like myself.

Just...a more refreshed version of myself.

And I don't think I'm alone in that.

Because there's a strange place many women find themselves in as they get older.

We're not necessarily trying to look younger.

We're trying to look less tired.

Less worn down.

Less stressed.

"I wanted to feel less like I've spent the last 20 years taking care of everyone else..."

IT WASN'T JUST MY SKIN

At first, I told myself it was just skincare.

I thought:"I just need a better moisturizer."

So I bought one.

Then another.

Then a serum.

Then another serum.

Then an eye cream.

Then a mask.

Then something that promised to make my skin glow.

My bathroom counter slowly turned into a small cosmetics laboratory.

And yet...I still found myself doing the same thing every morning.

Looking in the mirror.

Getting closer.

Turning my head.

Changing the lighting.

Pulling the skin slightly with my fingers.

Wondering:"Is it really that noticeable?"

You know what I'm talking about.

You don't see the line when you're brushing your teeth.

Then suddenly you catch yourself under a certain light...and there it is.

You start noticing things you never noticed before.

Your forehead.

Your cheeks.

The area underneath your eyes.

Your jawline.

Your smile lines.

And eventually you start doing something that I didn't even realize I was doing.

I started trying to hide from photographs.

Someone would pull out a phone.

I'd smile.

But internally I'd be thinking:"Please don't post that."

Or I'd take a selfie...look at it...and delete it.

Not because I hated my face.

But because I didn't recognize it.

And that's a very different kind of insecurity.

THE PHOTO

The moment that really got to me happened at a dinner.

Nothing dramatic happened.

Nobody said anything about my face.Nobody made a comment.

It was just a normal dinner with friends.

Someone took a group photo.

A few minutes later, the picture was sent around.

Everyone was laughing.

Everyone looked great.

I opened it.

And immediately...I zoomed in on myself.

I looked at the picture for probably 20 seconds.

Then I did something ridiculous.

I tilted my phone.

I changed the brightness.

I zoomed out.

Then back in.

And suddenly I wasn't looking at a picture of myself with people I cared about.

I was inspecting my face.

I remember thinking:

"When did I start looking like this?"

And that question stayed with me.

Because I realized I wasn't upset about one photograph.

I was upset because I'd slowly become uncomfortable with my own reflection.

And I didn't want that to become normal.

THE QUESTION I COULDN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT

That night I started thinking about Botox.

Maybe I should just do it.

Maybe this is what women do now.Maybe I'm making too big a deal out of it.

I started looking at prices.

Then appointments.

Then before-and-after pictures.

Then information about injections.

And the more I researched...the more I realized something.

I didn't actually want Botox.

What I wanted was the result I imagined Botox might give me.

I wanted to look refreshed.

I wanted my skin to look smoother.

I wanted to soften the appearance of the lines that had started bothering me.

I wanted to look like I had slept eight hours...even when I absolutely had not.

I wanted to feel attractive again.

And most importantly...I wanted to look in the mirror and think:

"There you are."

Not:

"How do I fix this?"

THE REAL DESIRE

That's when I realized something.

Maybe the goal isn't to look younger.

Maybe the goal is to look like yourself again.

Think about that.You don't necessarily want your 25-year-old face back.

You don't want to erase every experience you've had.

Those lines came from somewhere.

Some came from laughing.

Some came from raising children.

Some came from stress.

Some came from crying.

Some came from years of living.

You earned them.

But there's a difference between accepting that you're aging...

and feeling like you're no longer allowed to care about how you look.

I wasn't ready for that.

I wanted to feel beautiful.

Not perfect.

Not 25.

Beautiful.

I wanted to walk into a room without thinking about whether people were staring at my wrinkles.

I wanted to take pictures without immediately inspecting my face.

I wanted to put on makeup because it was fun...

not because I was trying to cover something.

I wanted to feel feminine.

Confident.

Alive.

"I wanted to feel like myself again."

THE FAILED SOLUTIONS

So I started experimenting.

And maybe you've done some of this too.

I'd buy something because the packaging looked luxurious.

I'd read reviews.

I'd convince myself:"This is the one."

I'd use it for a while.

Then I'd forget.

Or I'd try something else.

Then something more expensive.

And eventually I'd realize I had spent hundreds of dollars on products sitting in drawers.

Then there was the professional-treatment route.

Facials sounded wonderful.

But they required appointments.

Time.

Money.

Planning.

And I wanted something I could actually incorporate into my life.

Then there was Botox.

And fillers.

And honestly...

I kept coming back to the same problem.

I didn't want needles.

I didn't want to feel like I had to schedule an appointment every time I wanted to do something about my appearance.

And I definitely didn't want to wake up one morning and feel like my face didn't look like mine.

So I kept searching.

But I wasn't looking for a miracle.

I was looking for something much simpler.

THERE HAD TO BE ANOTHER WAY

I remember thinking:

"There has to be another option."

Something between:

"Do absolutely nothing."

and

"Start getting injections."

Something I could do at home.

Something that fit into my existing routine.

Something that didn't require needles.

Something that didn't require a trip to a clinic.

But most importantly...something that made sense.

So I started researching what actually changes as our skin ages.

And that's where things got interesting.

Because I had always thought of wrinkles as the problem.

But wrinkles aren't really the beginning of the story.

They're more like...the visible part of the story.

THE COLLAGEN DISCOVERY

I started learning about collagen.

Collagen is one of the major structural proteins associated with the skin.

And as we age, the skin's collagen environment changes.

That can contribute to the appearance of things many women notice:

Less firmness.

Less bounce.

More visible lines.

A less plump appearance.

And suddenly my skincare journey started making more sense.

I had been thinking:

"How do I cover this?"

But perhaps a better question was:

"How do I take better care of the skin I'm actually in?"

That changed the way I looked at skincare.

And then I discovered something I'd never considered before.

A topical approach designed specifically around collagen.